Part 2 – Spiritual Awakening
I was introduced to Christ very young. I had encounters, brief interactions, and experiences with him, so I’ve always known he was real. My view of God became distorted at a young age though. I thought that if I behaved well enough or did all the right things that God would answer my prayers, that bad things wouldn’t happen. So of course my young brain quickly became disillusioned when I discovered that being a good person doesn’t make you immune to bad things happening. Even as I grew older I carried this belief that if something horrible happened or if I was in a rough season that it was because God was punishing me. That I must not be reading my bible enough, not praying enough, not being good enough. That somehow I wasn’t worthy of the good or that I deserved the bad.
Over the years it developed into a pretty dysfunctional relationship with God. I would go thru long stretches where I felt God was disappointed in me so I would hide and go deeper into sin or I would be working overtime trying to prove that I was good enough for his grace, his blessings, his mercy. In my darkest moment I had a real conversation with God. Out loud I listed everything that had gone wrong in my life, every person who had disappointed me and I asked God to explain how he allowed it. I so clearly heard God whisper to my spirit “Did you ask me first?” “Before you made that decision, got involved with that person, did you ask me?” It was the first time I saw the pattern. That my life had been a cycle of me making decisions that I wanted to make and then blaming God when I didn’t like the outcome. I did what I wanted to do, what I felt was best, what felt good to me but I asked God “why” when it blew up in my face. Whew! What a big pill to swallow and what a turning point in my relationship with Christ.
This is the first time in my life that I’ve had a real, authentic relationship with Christ. My very first true spiritual awakening. I began earnestly studying, praying, and seeking after God. The more I sought, the closer I felt him. One by one we picked the pieces up together. I learned what it truly meant to seek first the kingdom. To trust God with my whole heart. Every decision I make I ask God to lead me. What a relief to finally be free of the need to control and orchestrate my own life! For the first time I feel like a whole woman. Complete. Unshakeable. Because I know where my anchor is set.
What’s your anchor, your foundation? Yours may not be the same as mine but find it and make sure you stay firm in it. Thomas Monson said it best…
You betta preach! So true about making our own decisions and then blaming God for the outcome. No matter what we want, the number one thing we should be asking is that God’s will be done above all!
#facts
We blame God when things don’t go our way…..but the problem is we went our way instead of HIS way. Thanks for sharing parks of wisdom.
This is a beautiful, transparent, and a very much on time post. I so identify with everything you wrote about…especially about relinquishing control over your life to God! Whew it’s a hard process but much more peaceful than the turmoilthat comes when I tried to hold that control…and I’m finally comfortable with praying God i dont want it if it’s not from you…or if HE is not in the midst…everything gets worse when I’ve tried to manipulate the situation so now I’m learning to walk in that totally surrender! Thank you for sharing your journey and for your transparency! Its Healing and its Beautiful!!!!
This is a hard pill to swallow and I had the same experience not seeking God first. I have learned life is soooo much better when we consult God first. He will show you a sign or feeling if you just wait and watch. He is concerned about ALL things regarding us!